A Christmas Carol 2017-02-05T11:55:10+00:00

A Christmas Carol. But different…

Sixty years ago I spent Christmas in a hospital in Rotterdam. Alone. I was brought there one and a half months earlier because I was dehydrating, my mother saw blood coming from my mouth. In the hospital they found out I also had a double pneumonia. The doctors prepared my parents that i might not survive. But I did. I was two months old when I got to the hospital, five months when I left. In those days it was not custom for parents to stay overnight…

This experience has given me the basic material I would be working with during this lifetime. Deep feelings of abandonment, not belonging, feeling different, loneliness, anger, fear of dying, fear of living, fear of loving and a never ending sadness… they have showed themselves again and again as long as I remember, ruining quite a few relationships in the process. The child in me was so scared of being left, that it unconsciously sabotaged basically every relationship I have been in, by clinging too much or keeping too much distance, just in case I might be left (again)… To him, love and being left were two sides of the same coin…

 

No matter how many good and dear friends I have and no matter how many beautiful people I am blessed to know… these wounds I have to face alone. Of course I received and still receive a lot of love and healing from friends, both alive and invisible, but in the end, it’s between me & God… The last few weeks I have been sending healing to ”The awakening of my soul and the healing of everything that is in the way” and a lot of those aforementioned deep feelings started surfacing again… I have been extremely dizzy but at the same time there is a certain distance from the grown up me. Apparently now is the time for yet another deep cleaning, so I can just come home in my self… A deep longing I have had as long as I remember.

This Christmas I have promised the little one inside of me to take care of him, reassuring that I would never leave him… Just like, on a deeper level I know I have never been abandoned, I was always taken care of, always.

Wishing you wonderful days, whether you spend Christmas with friends and family or alone. Just remember. We are never alone. Wouldn’t it be nice if the Spirit of Christmas, of Light, of Love could be with us all year long, each and every moment?

The picture is showing Christ as the Buddha… Very symbolic…

Padam Christo Blaak
Denmark, Christmas 2015